Sigh

Somethin' in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There's somethin' in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I've been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I'm alright, 'cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

"Feels Like Home"
Chantal Kreviazuk
(You've probably heard it if you've watched 'How To Lose A Guy In Ten Days')

More Rambling

I can't sleep. It is Friday, I am by myself in my apartment for reasons not my own, I am a little annoyed, but then I signed on to Yahoo and found messages from Adam from a week ago. That made me feel better. He was just saying hi and that he got my birthday pictures I sent him from when everyone was together on that Friday. At first I wasn't sure if I should send them or not because I didn't want him to feel left out but I also didn't want it to be like, Ha ha look what you missed, because three of his good friends were there (Silas, Mike and JD - and actually JD is his cousin, but anyway). Yeah, that's all I got for that.

My room is still a mess. However, it is not entirely my fault, as there are technically two people living in this room, and four people in the apartment, even though only three of us signed the lease. I don't mind Drake's stuff being here at all, he is my boyfriend and I love him dearly, but my room just gets messier faster when there are two of us throwing stuff on the floor or on the bookshelf, etc. I need a bigger room.

I really need to decide what I am doing this summer. I am seriously considering going back to Minnesota just so I don't have to pay rent anymore. I don't know. We'll see. I don't know where I would put any of my stuff, that is pretty much the only thing keeping me from moving home at all - my STUFF.

A few nights ago Teetz and I were going to Wal-Mart and he has the James Blunt cd and he played me a song that made me BAWL. But I love it.

"Goodbye My Lover"
James Blunt

Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
'Cause I saw the end before we'd begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what's mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.

You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I am a dreamer but when I wake,
You can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me,
Remember us and all we used to be
I've seen you cry, I've seen you smile.
I've watched you sleeping for a while.
I'd be the father of your child.
I'd spend a lifetime with you.
I know your fears and you know mine.
We've had our doubts but now we're fine,
And I love you, I swear that's true.
I cannot live without you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

And I still hold your hand in mine.
In mine when I'm asleep.
And I will bear my soul in time,
When I'm kneeling at your feet.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

I'm so hollow, baby, I'm so hollow.
I'm so, I'm so, I'm so hollow.

It is a very pretty song. I kinda like James Blunt, but sometimes I think he is trying to be Gavin, or at least be like Gavin, and it bugs me. NO ONE is better than Gavin and no one is better at being Gavin. Duh, that's a silly statement.

I think for my wedding - though I really should start saying "our" because "my" is so possessive of me, and it would be Drake's too, not just mine - I really want purple and silver and black to be the colors, though I am sure this will change many times and even Drake said I would change my mind most likely by the time this day actually comes. But I found the most gorgeous wedding dress - also in purple! I am not sure I would want to get married in anything but a white dress, but who knows, this purple one is so beautiful. Good thing I have a while to decide.

Beautiful Song

I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes
'Cause when you showed me myself I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You can't keep awake

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

'Cause if I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
If I find
If I find my own way
How much will I find
You I don't know anymore
What it's for
I'm not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
'Cause I been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe you're not even sure what it's for
Any more than me

May God's love be with you
Always
May God's love be with you

If you've seen 'Saved!' then you will recognize the song. And I think Howie Day actually did a cover of it anyway so some of you might know it from there, but it's not likely. I have always liked this song, it's so pretty, it's called 'In The Sun' by Joseph Arthur. I am not exactly sure why, but I felt compelled to post it.

Also, JohnRoss and I were talking tonight and I have solved the issue as to how exactly Teetz can be in my wedding party without it being too weird for people, or without him having to walk down the aisle with another guy. I posted this in the comments of my last post that actually covered this, but I thought I would post it here too so people see me and JR's brilliant idea: Teetz can be the one to escort my mother down the aisle, because she will come out before the wedding party, and then Teetz will be near the alter and in place when the rest of walk down. Plus, he's the son my mother never had and she likes him anyway, so it'll all work out splendidly. Whew.

Malaria Malarie

Seein' Red
Unwritten Law

I'm seein red
Don't think you'll have to see my face again
don't have much time for sympathy
Cuz it never happened to me
You feelin blue now
I think you bit off more than you could chew
And now it's time to make a choice
And all I wanna hear is your...

So follow the leader down
And swallow your pride and drown
When there's no place left to go
Maybe thats when you will know
Follow the leader down
And swallow your pride and drown
When theres no place left to go
Maybe thats when you will know

And foolish lies well can't you see
I tried to compromise
Cuz what you say ain't always true
And I can see the tears in your eyes
And what you said now
Can't stop the words from running through my head
And what I do to get through to you
But you'd only do it again

So follow the leader down
And swallow your pride and drown
When there's no place left to go
Maybe that's when you will know
Follow the leader down
And swallow your pride and drown
When there's no place left to go
Maybe that's when you will know

Well I confess, I don't know what to make from all this mess
Don't have much time for sympathy
But it never happened to me
You Feelin down I don't know where i'll be when you come around
And now it's time to make a choice,
And all I wanna hear is your voice...

This is probably one of my favorite songs of all time, though it's also one guaranteed to make me cry. However, it didn't the last couple times I've listened to it so that's probably a good thing. I don't know why I felt like posting this, but the reason for posting is two-fold: a girl just came in to work and her name is Malarie. I am assuming it is pronounces like Mallory, but come on people, stop doing this to your kids. I wonder how many times she has been called 'Malaria Malarie' in her life.

Off Limits

Okay, I know, two posts one day, but after working on my portfolio for a while and listening to music on random, there are several songs I am making off limits for myself so I stop bawling my eyes out and actually get some work done:

1. Picture - Kid Rock and Sheryl Crow
2. My Immortal - Evenescence
3. There Goes My Life - Kenny Chesney
4. American Soldier - Toby Keith
5. Seein' Red - Unwritten Law
6. Wake Me Up When September Ends - Green Day
7. Arlington - Trace Adkins
8. I Wanna Be With You - Mandy Moore
9. Toxic - Britney Spears (I know, it's weird, don't ask)
10. She Got It All - Kenny Chesney
11. Every Rose Has Its Thorn - Poison
12. Vindicated - Dashboard Confessional
13. Right Here Waiting For You - Richard Marx
14. Just Friends - Gavin DeGraw (Though we all know I will continue to listen to this despite that fact it makes me bawl)
15. Livin' on a Prayer - Bon Jovi
16. Tears in Heaven - Eric Clapton
17. The Reason - Hoobastank
18. Whiskey Lullaby - Brad Paisley

It's a strange mix I know, and I am sure there are more, I just have not found them in my random WinAmp list yet. *Sigh*. Crying is not my most favorite thing. Funny, considering all the practice I've had - usually the things you do the most are favorite activities.

I Know Everything Happens For A Reason, But...

Wake Me Up When September Ends
Green Day

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up,
When September ends

Like my father's come to pass
Seven years has gone so fast
Wake me up
When September ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up
When September ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up
When September ends

Ring out the bells again
Like we did when spring began
Wake me up
When September ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rest
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up
When September ends

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up
When September ends

Like my father's come to pass
Twenty years has gone so fast
Wake me up
When September ends
Wake me up
When September ends
Wake me up
When September ends....

I really wish this song had come out around the same time, but LAST year.

It's Gettin' To Be That Time...

I apologize for any typos or spelling errors you might find in this. Drake's pop-up blocker will not allow the spell-checker even after I told it to and rather than argue with it, I am going to say fuck it and let the errors remain. It's not like it really matters anyway, its a blog and blogs are lame.

While most of you have started wasting away in class, I won't brag too much that I have yet to begin. Don't hate me or call me and leave nasty voicemails about how lucky I am and whatever, but because I am student teaching, I don't start until Wednesday - and that's just orientation. Thursday and Friday I will be at Belmont getting stuff ready with Mrs. Rangel (one of the most awesome teachers I have been lucky enough to wrk with) and then Monday LPS starts. I an psyched, I am ready to be done with UNL and get started with the rest of my life. I know it is going to be busy and I am going to be working on top of student teaching, but I think I will be okay - and I know Pat will give me time off at the testing center if I need it. I decided to work there Monday-Thursday because at least then I can still do homework most of the time. I will then be at Office Depot Friday-Sunday. That's going to suck, but I need the money. I am also sad because I will not be a season-ticket holder in my last year at UNL. I know I will get to a couple games at least, but it's just not quite the same. Speaking of football, Roxy's wedding was postponed, so Drake will not have to potentially miss the Oklahoma game. That's a plus because I really want him in Chicago with me. He refuses to go shopping on The Mile with me. His exact words were, "I'm not going with you to The Mile because I'd see everything you were buying in the store, then I'd see it again at the hotel, and then again when we got home." I understand, but hello! LOUIS VUITTON!!!! And Aldo's, oh how I love Aldo's. And H&M is hott too. I wish she lived in LA though, because then I could go to Kitsons. I love Kitsons. I love shopping. Speaking of shopping....I started cleaning out my closet to make room for all the new fun teacher clothes that Grandma and I bought. I showed Drake and I don't think he quite understood the magnitude of my "spoild-ness" until he saw the bags and bags of clothes. To be fair though, I bought a lot of them myself, but Grandma also bought quite a bit as well. I can't help it though, I honestly do need the clothes - it's not going to be like my practicums where we only went on Mondays and Wednesdays, I will be at Belmont every single day. Plus, everything we bought was strictly school only, everything was school-appropriate and there's no spaghetti straps or low v-cut shirts. I have a lot of new fun skirts and I am realy excited for school to get going.

I don't really listen to theradio much anymore, mostly because I have a lot of cds I am content with, so forgive me for this song being a little behind the times, but I heard it the other day and fell in love with it.

Anna Nalick - Breathe
2 Am and she calls me cause I'm still awake
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake
I don't love him and winter just wasn't my season.
Yea we walk through the doors so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize
Hypocrites you're all here for the very same reason.

Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button girl
So just cradle your head in your hands.
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breathe just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base of Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist
Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year
Here in town you can tell he's been down for while
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles
Wanna hold him but maybe I'll just sing about it

Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button boys so cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe, whoa breath just breathe

There's a light at the end of this tunnel you shout cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made
You'll just make them again if you'll only try turnin' around

2Am and I'm still awake writing this song
If i get it all down on paper it's no lonmger inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to.

But you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand...yeah breath
Just breathe, oho breathe,

I know I highlighted a lot but especially the chorus I just thought was so amazing. This song is just, wow, I'm not exactly sure how to describe it. I loved the part especially about the hourglass, it just seemed to hit right on. And yeah, I know it's older now by a couple months or whatever, but since when have I ever liked something everyone else likes right away, especially when it comes to songs? I have to warm up to them, and it takes me a while, because music is so important to me and I have to feel like the song really matters or has relevence.

Britt and I watched Laguna Beach as usual, what I wouldn't give to be on that show! I'd have issues for Kristin for sure, but hey, she's a bitch and you know how bitches have to be dealth with - a quick punch in the face, that's how. It's not quite as god as last season, I think Britt and I both liked that class a lot more, but it's cool that LC is going to be on more. I wish the new girl Casey would close her mouth though, literally. Her teeth are so huge I don't think it is actually possible for her to close it, but she should at least try. It would help out her appearance a lot I think. There's a lot more drama and a love triangle again, but this one is dumb because bth of the girls are annoying and the guy is a whore anyway. At least with the triangle between LC-Kristin-Stepehen, we wanted LC to win. I honestly do not care who wins in the Alex-Jason-Jessica fight. It's just dumb and they should all break up and go on their merry ways APART.

Tomorrow is my last day of freedom so I have some stuff to finish up. I am taking all my clothes to Goodwill. It's hard for me to part with clothes, even if I haven't worn them in a while, but at least if I do this, someone else will get some use out of them. It's just hard to decided what to keep and what to get rid of because there's always the "I might wear this again if..." but I have to be strong. I also need to get my books and all that shit, but I don't think I will have more than two. We have seminar once a week because we're still going to have papers and lesson plans, but it won't be nearly as time-consuming as what I had in previous blocks. I really am looking forward to this, some people were born to be educators and I know I am one of those people. You honestly can not last in the program if you're not good at it, unlike with some other majors. Practicum supervisors and cooperating teachers will let you know right away if you're ready to move on to the next block or not, that's what all our constant evaluations are for. But I am confident, plus Shona will be across the hal with Mrs. Schroeder so I know we will be able to help each other out if we need to.

Whew, that's enough for now, later kids.

I Immediately Regret This Decision

Twice this week I have had complaints against me from customers. I have worked there almost two months now and am always happy and smiling and cheerful to everyone. My friends would honestly not recognize me if they saw me with customers. But it's true, and it's because I have to be or else I could lose my job. But this past week I dealt with possibly two of the rudest people in Lincoln. On Tuesday a man came in and purchased a chair. We are currently running our "Back to School" program where Office Depot will donate 5% of your purchase to any school in the state. If you go in to Office Depot at any point and don't know which school to donate to, may I suggest one of the following: Belmont Elementary, Champion School, Cheney School, Doniphan High School, Randolph Elementary, West Holt High School, or West Lincoln Elementary. These schools definitely need it the most. Anyway, I asked this man which school he would like his %5 to go to and he said, "Louisville Public Schools". He made it plural, I heard him. This is important because this is what caused the problem. I was then flipping through the book to find the code for Louisville and even small towns have the schools broken up into elementary, middle and high school even if it is all one building, so I asked him which school. So then he said it again, "Louisville Public School" this time not plural, and he said it just as I located it in the book and saw that only one school was listed for the town. Then, he condescendingly started to spell Louisville for me slowly and I remember thinking in my head, "I know how to spell, thanks". Suddenly, as I am thinking those words, the same exact thing is coming out of my mouth. I could not believe I actually said that to a customer - not because I felt bad for him, he was an asshole and deserved it. I immediately regretted it because I could get in trouble for mean back. Peggy, the lead cashier, was also standing right there and later she told me that she couldn't believe I actually said that, but then she got a little chuckle out of it so I suppose it is okay. He was a jackass though and I know I have to watch my mouth because it gets me into trouble a lot. I know that at work I have to control myself, not no one ever talks down to me, and I mean no one. I will put you in your place if you do and that's the bottom line. I know it's not always the best approach to life but no one is going to treat me like I am dumb, because I am smarter than 99.9% of the customers that come into the store and I am not going to take their shit if it is ridiculously out of hand.

My second complaint came yesterday, and this is actually a joint-complaint against Matt and myself. This guy comes in looking for rubber bands. I was in Ink Depot and Matt was on register one. Matt told him they were aisle 24, then asked me if that was correct, and I said yes, aisle 24. No big deal, we go on about our day, helping other customers. Somewhere between five and ten minutes later, Peggy and Matt go in to lock-up because we needed more catalogues at the registers and they are on a really high shelf, and Peggy is about four feet tall so Matt had to get them for her. Afterwards Matt was to go on break. Matt turned his register light off, and unfortunately Peggy turned hers on but then went into lock-up. At this point it was fine because I had only one customer, but then one person lined up for Peggy, and Rubber Band Man and another customer went to Matt's register, where no light was on. I am helping my customer and Rubber Band Man says rather rudely, "Can you call someone please, you have customers waiting." I told him those registers were not open at the moment and in just a moment I could call someone up but that they were getting something from lock-up and could not come at that moment. I was physically in the middle of typing something into the register and could not stop or I'd lose my place. So Rubber Band Man comes over to my register and says, "You have people waiting, you need to call someone now." So I tell him again that I can in a moment but I am helping another customer right now and Peggy and Matt will be back any second - and then sure enough, they came out of lock-up. Peggy went to her register and Matt was walking toward the back for his break. Then the phone started ringing and I asked Matt to get it, which he did. He then went on break. I ended up helping Rubber Band Man, who was so rude and then asked for my manager's name, the store number, and my name, and I was just like, ok, whatever. I totally played it like it didn't matter, because it didn't. He can call and complain, and while he may have been in a hurry, he needed to realize he can't just get his way and there were people ahead of him. I hand him his receipt and everything, and then I go to write the information down for him and I was going to circle the phone number on the receipt,which I told him was where the phone number was and he is all pissy and says he doesn't want me to do anything to the receipt and takes it away from me. I then tell him I need to see the receipt to write the number down for him and he gives it back. He calls Jennifer (our assistant manager)and actually LIES RIGHT TO HER. He said when he came into the store Matt was sitting and spinning in a chair - he wasn't, he was standing up because I could see him; we were talking when the guy asked for rubber bands. Then he said that when Matt came over to answer the phone quick, he asked Matt to ring him up and Matt told him he was on break. That is complete bullshit, he never said a word to Matt, and when Jennifer asked how the guy knew Matt was going on break, I told her exactly what happened: Peggy was helping the customers at the front register, I was helping Rubber Band Man, and Matt handled the phone, then told Peggy he was going on break when everything was under control and everyone was being helped. Seriously, people like that fucking piss me off. The world doesn't revolve around you just because you are a CEO of Asshole Inc, so take the stick out of your ass and stop being a stupid motherfucker. He also told Jennifer I made some snide comment to him, which I didn't because if I did, I'd own up to it. I owned up to telling the other customer I knew how to spell, didn't I? There's no point in lying. The guy was an asshole and Matt and I got in trouble because this guy was in a hurry and full of shit. Ah well.

I am just hanging out at my apartment and stupidly decided to watch Black Hawk Down. I haven't seen it in a while; in fact, Adam is the last person I watched it with. Incidentally, I don't think I can continue watching this because it scares the shit out of me. I know he's not going to be out on a Hawk all the time, but while in Bosnia he trained on them and at some point or another, I know he will be doing drops. What worries me even more is that fact that he is on the ground. I have not been able to talk to him yet and I know I mentioned this before but I don't think I will be able to rest easy at all until I hear his voice telling me he is okay. I know the next 12 months are going to be hell on everyone close to him, not just me, but there's also the possibility he will be gone at least 18 months. Going 6 months without seeing him was tough enough, but 18? It just wasn't enough time when I had to say good-bye and until I can see him again and hug him again, I don't think I'll be quite myself. I'm trying to be brave and strong, like Adam is being right now, but it's hard. Even my mom said, no matter what she thinks of Adam for everything that happened, she has a lot of respect for what he's doing and the fact that he felt is was his duty and something he had to do. Now I am all sappy and emotional and I hate it but I worry about him. And I know worrying won't solve anything and neither will crying about it, but I do those things because I don't know what else to do. I know that these are things I can not do when I talk to him because he worries about me enough and he doesn't need to be thinking about me at home crying while he's out on a mission or patrol. I just wish this was all over and he was back home where he belongs.

"Come Home Soon"
SheDaisy
I put away the groceries
And I take my daily bread
I dream of your arms around me
As I tuck the kids in bed
I don't know what you're doin'
And I don't know where you are
But I look up at that great big sky
And I hope you're wishin' on that same bright star
I wonder, I pray

And I sleep alone
I cry alone
And it's so hard livin' here on my own
So please, come home soon
(Come home soon)

I know that we're together
Even though we're far apart
And I'll wear our lucky penny 'round my neck
Pressed to my heart
I wonder, I pray

And I sleep alone
I cry alone
And it's so hard livin' here on my own
So please, come home soon
(Come home soon)

I still imagine your touch
It's beautiful missing something that much
But sometimes love needs a fighting chance
So I'll wait my turn until it's our turn to dance

I wonder, I pray
I sleep alone
I cry alone
Without you this house is not a home
So please, come home soon

I walk alone
I try alone
I'll wait for you, don't want to die alone
So please, come home soon
Come home soon
Come home soon

"American Soldier"
Toby Keith
I’m just tryin’ to be a father, raise a daughter and a son
Be a lover to their mother, everythin’ to everyone
Up and at ‘em bright and early, I’m all business in my suit
Yeah I’m dressed up for success, from my head down to my boots
I don’t do it for money, there’s bills I that I can’t pay
I don’t do it for the glory, I just do it anyway
Providing for our future’s, my responsibility
Yeah I’m real good under pressure, being all that I can be
And I can’t call in sick on Mondays when the weekend’s been too strong
I just work straight through the holidays, and sometimes all night long
You can bet that I stand ready, when the wolf growls at the door
Hey I’m solid, hey I’m steady, hey I’m true down to the core

And I will always do my duty no matter what the price
I’ve counted up the cost, I know the sacrifice
Oh and I don’t want to die for you, but if dyin’s asked of me
I’ll bear that cross with honor, cause freedom don’t come free

I’m an American Soldier an American
Beside my brothers and my sisters, I will proudly take a stand
When liberty’s in jeopardy, I will always do what’s right
I’m out here on the front lines, sleep in peace tonight
American Soldier, I’m and American, Soldier

An American Soldier an American
Beside my brothers and my sisters, I will proudly take a stand
When liberty’s in jeopardy, I will always do what’s right
I’m out here on the front lines, sleep in peace tonight
American Soldier, I’m and American, an American, an American, Soldier

"Letters From Home"
John Michael Montgomery
My Dear Son, it is almost June,
I hope this letter catches up to you, and finds you well
Its been dry but they’re calling for rain,
And everything's the same ol’ same in Johnsonville
Your stubborn 'ol Daddy ain’t said too much,
But I’m sure you know he sends his love,
And she goes on,
In a letter from home

I hold it up and show my buddies,
Like we ain’t scared and our boots ain’t muddy, and they all laugh,
Like there’s something funny bout’ the way I talk,
When I say: "Mama sends her best y’all"I fold it up an' put it in my shirt,
Pick up my gun an' get back to work
An' it keeps me driving me on,
Waiting on letters from home

My Dearest Love, its almost dawn
I’ve been lying here all night long wondering where you might be
I saw your Mama and I showed her the ring
Man on the television said something so I couldn’t sleep
But I’ll be all right, I’m just missing you
An' this is me kissing youXX’s and OO’s,
In a letter from home

I hold it up and show my buddies,
Like we ain’t scared and our boots ain’t muddy, and they all laugh,
'Cause she calls me "Honey", but they take it hard,
'Cause I don’t read the good parts
I fold it up an' put it in my shirt,
Pick up my gun an' get back to work
An' it keeps me driving me on,
Waiting on letters from home

Dear Son, I know I ain’t written,
But sittin' here tonight, alone in the kitchen, it occurs to me,
I might not have said, so I’ll say it now
Son, you make me proud

I hold it up and show my buddies,
Like we ain’t scared and our boots ain’t muddy, but no one laughs,
'Cause there ain’t nothing funny when a soldier cries
An' I just wipe me eyes
I fold it up an' put it in my shirt,
Pick up my gun an' get back to work
An' it keeps me driving me on,
Waiting on letters from home

7 Days!!!

SEVEN DAYS UNTIL GAVIN AND HOWIE!!!!!!!!!!!

That's all, there's nothing much else to say right now. Just that, a week from tomorrow night I will be in the shithole that is Council Bluffs to see Gavin DeGraw and Howie Day, and I am so excited I might pee my pants.

This song is probably my favorite Gavin song. It hits very close to home, but after all is said and done, I think the reason I love this song is because it captures all those feelings and emotions perfectly. Some people just don't understand that sometimes, no matter how someone might make you cry do, you can't help but love them anyway. Plus, it's just a great song anyway and I would probably love it no matter what even if I didn't know exactly how this situation felt, and the beat and the melody is perfect for it.

Just Friends
Gavin DeGraw
I saw you there last night
Standing in the dark
You were acting so in love
With your hand upon his heart
But you were just friends
At least that's what you said
Now I know better from his fingers in your hair
I forgive you for what you've done
If you say that I'm the one
I've had other options too
But all I want is you
Girl your body fits me like a glove
And you shower me with words of love
And you were just friends
At least that's what you said
Now I know better from his fingers in your hair
I forgive you for what you've done
If you say that I'm the one
It's not my style to lay it in on the line
But you don't leave me with a choice this time
Why weren't you true?
You know I trusted you
When you were just friends
At least that's what you said
Now I know better from his fingers in your hair
I forgive you for what you've done
If you say that I'm the one
You were just friends
At least that's what you said
Now I know better from his fingers in your hair
I forgive you for what you've done
If you say that I'm the one
I'll forgive you for what you've done
If you say that I'm the one
I'll forgive you for what you've done
If you say that I'm the one
I'll forgive you

I'm Never Going to Get Out of Here

I don't mean forever, I just mean in terms of finally meeting Drake's family in Illinois. I've met his family here and I absolutely adore them. His aunt and uncle are so amazing and I love his cousins, they are the most adorable girls I have ever met. Drake is at home right now though, with them as well as the rest of his family, for the 4th. I was supposed to go with, they were even going to wait until Sunday night to leave because I worked, but I ended up having to work today too so I didn't get to go and it makes me sad because all his friends are home too and he really wants me to meet everyone. He's also going home again in a couple weeks for his friend's birthday, but it is the same weekend as the Gavin DeGraw and Howie Day concert and we already have tickets, not to mention I was so excited about this concert I almost peed my pants and crashed my car at the same time. In fact, I still might pee my pants, I am that excited about it. I know I will get to meet Drake's family eventually which is cool, but I am not notoriously patient and he really wants me too as well. It just feels like things keep happening to prevent me from being able to go and it's almost like I'm just not supposed to meet them. It's weird. And stupid, I want to go hang out in Illinois.

Speaking of Illinois, Roxy's wedding is on the 29th of October in Chicago and I am super excited. Not pee-my-pants excited, but still excited. I have never been a bride's maid before. Once I was the flower girl in my aunt Tammy's wedding, I think I was two or three. I do not have a memory of this but the story has been told to me so many times I feel like it is mine: I was walking down the aisle with Brian's nephew Brandon and I was upset about something (imagine me, upset, even at age two). They must have told him to hold my hand but I was refusing and every time he'd try I'd pull away from him. I was getting mad and not really sprinkling the flowers like they told me to, but I was throwing handfuls in big clumps every few feet. I didn't even make it to the alter, I just threw down the empty basket and went and sat by my grandma, so Brandon went and pouted too and did the same. I wish I remembered it as my own memory and not a retelling, or that it had been on video because I would love to see it now. I am also super excited about Chicago because of Louis Vuitton and I am hoping I will have enough time to run over there and see if I can find something special for myself. God, how I love Louis Vuitton.

I am supposed to be at Jake's right now but I have a headache and really would not be a lot of fun. Teetz isn't happy with me because of this, but I just am not feeling social right now. I am in one of my funks where I need to be left alone and I love him to death, but I just wish he would understand that sometimes I just need to be by myself and I wish he wouldn't get mad at me for it. I know it is the 4th and all and yay for fireworks, but it's not the same as at home and I don't really want to be around people right now.

I have not spoken to Adam since he left Mississippi for Iraq and while I was not expecting to quite yet, every day the news freaks me out with more bombings and all that shit. I know it shouldn't and I should not let it get to me, but I can't help it. Someone I love very much is over there right now in the middle of all of this bullshit and my greatest fear in the world is that I will never see him again. I know I should not think like that, but how can I not? This is Adam we're talking about, and everyone who knows the score understands what that means.

I am still supremely excited about Gavin and Howie. Teetz and I were checking out the websites last night and there are some cool t-shirts and shit, but you can't be that guy who wears the t-shirt of the band he is seeing. Teetz will probably be that guy. I am so excited. I have decided while Howie is better looking than Gavin, I am more into Gavin's music. Howie has some great stuff and we know "Collide" will probably remain one of my all-time favorite songs, but some of Howie's other stuff sounds the same and it kind of gets old after a while. I guess the music itself does not get old because he is very talented, but I just tire of it more easily than I do Gavin. The only song of Gavin's I can not get behind is "Chemical Party". Otherwise, they all kick some ass. "Just Friends" will always be a favorite, though it still hits a little close to home with the me-Adam-Alexis situation. And "Belief" is such a great song too, and "Overrated" too. I love them all I think, and "Nice to Meet You (Anyway)" is also fun. I am so excited! I also decided that while Gavin DeGraw can not be my baby's daddy, he is allowed to serenade my baby, which will be just as important. Howie, on the other hand, may possibly be my baby's daddy.

Speaking of my baby's daddy, Teetz told his brother I have a boyfriend now. Chaz asked if I still wanted to have sex with him, and Teetz didn't quite know how to put it that yes, Chaz is on my 'exceptions' list. And speaking of exceptions, Drake and Brian say that Chaz can't be on my list because it is likely I will meet him someday and exceptions are supposed to be unlikely people (that's also why I am supposed to take Jesse Boyer off my list). I think it's bunk to take them off, and I also think Teetz's brother is afraid of me. The rest of my exceptions list is as follows if you are curious:

1. Teetz's brother
2. Jesse Boyer
3. JJ Redick
4. Christopher Meloni
5. Vin Diesel

There are a few others that may have to sit aside as replacements just in case, but that's the top 5. Drake won't even give me 10, and we all know I need ten. Ah well.

I have decided I really need to take a break from drinking. I know when people read this they're either not going to believe me, or even wonder why, and Friday is a prime example. Not the part where I made that girl cry, that was fine, but the part about me starting and just not being able to stop. When I am downtown at a bar, I really don't know how to just socially drink. If I am at a house party it is different and I don't know why. Plus, when I do drink that much, I really think I am invincible, thus the walking out into traffic, not even in the crosswalk at least. I am by no means an alcoholic or anything, if I was I would have a beer or six right now, I just think I need to cut back a little bit to really prove to myself that I can. Not to mention I am going to gain weight like crazy if I keep drinking at this pace and we all know how i feel about weight gain and my fear of that. Maybe we don't all know, but in that case if you don't, then it is none of your business anyway and not something you need to concern yourself with.

I would rather sign off on a happier note than my disgust with fat and food, so I will leave the lyrics to a favorite Gavin song for you to ponder:

"Belief"

Belief

Makes things real

Makes things feel

Feel alright

Belief

Makes things true

Things like you

You and I

Tonight, you arrested my mind

When you came to my defense

With a knife

In the shape of your mouth

In the form of your body

With the wrath of a god

Oh, you stood by me

Belief

Builds from scratch

Doesn't need to relax

It doesn't need space

Long live the queen and I'll be the king

In the collar of grace

Tonight, you arrested my mind

When you came to my defense

With a knife

In the shape of your mouth

In the form of your body

With the wrath of a god

Oh, you stood by me

Belief

I'm going to yell it from the rooftops

I'll wear a sign on my chest

That's the least I can do

Tonight, you arrested my mind

When you came to my defense

With a knife

In the shape of your mouth

In the form of your body

With the wrath of a god

Oh, you stood by me

Tonight, you arrested my mind

When you came to my defense

With a knife

In the shape of your mouth

In the form of your body

With the wrath of a god

Oh, you stood by me

And I'll stand by my

Belief

Days til Gavin and Howie: 11!!!!!!!

Nights I Can't Remember, Friends I'll Never Forget

Yeah we were boys who made a lot of noise
And we, sang all our songs for free
We partied through college, acquired some knowledge
Never did get a degree
We did it our way lookin' back on the good days
There's still not a lot I regret
There's some Nights I Can't Remember, with Friends I'll Never Forget
(Toby Keith, "Nights I Can't Remember, Friends I'll Never Forget")

It's finals week and I am sitting at work because I don't have any finals to take. I'm feeling a little nostalgic right now as I think about how everything is changing so quickly. Though few of my close friends are graduating in May (I believe Bailie and Rusty are the only ones, but it is early in the morning so forgive me if I forgot you, you know I probably still love you even if I didn't mention you because I am not fully awake and alert yet), I still feel like everything is different already. This past weekend I moved the majority of my stuff out of the dorm and into the house I will be sharing with Brett and Brian. I am done with my formal education at the University of Nebraska and will spend next semester applying everything I "learned" in the last 2 years in Teachers College (or, The College of Education and Human Sciences to everyone accepted after my class) hopefully across the hall from Shona at Belmont Elementary School. I am not playing nanny this summer for Jay, since he started Kindergarten he attended a day-care and will be there throughout the summer, though I am sure on occasion I will watch him and sneak in a few trips to the swimming pool. Also, I have slowly (or abruptly, depending on how you look at it) lost one of my closest friends and neither Teetz nor I are quite sure why. We know the basic event, but considering it has dragged on for this long, we are both kind of confused. I guess Adam's phone call really got me thinking about all this stuff and now, though I am happy we talked, I am kind of sad. For all the drama last summer with Crazy Jessica, it was a lot of fun and part of that was because I had such awesome friends to hang out with. I lived one building over from Adam and Silas and we drank a lot, I lived with Kayleen, who thank goodness is not crazy, and we had fun too. We went to the bars, had a party, drank just to drink, and played Super Mario Bros 3 on my old school Nintendo. Silas and Adam cooked dinner, Adam and I went to the horse races, half the time I lived at their apartment anyway; life didn't get much better than last summer. But things change and this summer is going to be a complete 180: Adam will be in Iraq, Silas is in Grand Island (but cross your fingers, he may be moving back here soon!!!), I'm not living with Kayleen, I'm not watching Jay...I think I've made it clear there are going to be a lot of changes. I know we'll still all hang out and we'll all still party, and hey, some of my friends from Wabash may even come for a few days to see how exciting life isn't here in Lincoln. The point is, those were some of the best times I've had in my life, and at least we've got the pictures to prove it, but I don't think I can ever top it. I guess part of my reason for feeling nostalgic is that I am 22 now, and I am *EEEEK* growing up. Going down to Ground Zero (you know, the place that has 27 bars in about a 4 block radius or whatever) just doesn't get me going like it used to. When I turned 21 though, man we were out having the time of our lives just drinking, dancing in cages at Mickey's, playing pool, and stumbling back to campus. I just get a little sad thinking about these things that won't ever happen again, and it started this weekend with moving. I was packing all my stuff and I started thinking about how, last year at this time Adam had that huge hideous white truck and was helping me move all my stuff, and how he was carrying my futon frame but we couldn't fit it in the elevator (well, we could have but he was being stubborn and not listening to anything I said) so he carried it down five flights of stairs. Little things like that just make me sigh. Or I remember how he and John and Alex came and took apart my loft and were bitching and grumbling the whole time, but still they did it for me. Or there's the time when it was absolutely pouring out and Kayleen and I ran around outside, kicking water at each other and doing cartwheels on the grass, slipping and sliding everywhere. We also managed to witness a murder (we think, but we have over-active imaginations). We were sitting in the living room one night and heard people arguing in the parking lot and, being curious, went out onto the deck. We were looking around for who was yelling and then quickly went back inside when they looked up at us. The yelling continued so we went into Kayleen's room and were looking through her blinds, with the light on so people could see of of course because sometimes we're not that bright, and we couldn't see anyone til finally we spotted them, and of course they were staring at us and probably had been for a few minutes. This was AFTER we heard what sounded like a gun shot. So we quickly shut off the light to her room and tried to be better spies and when we looked out the window again we couldn't see anyone until all the sudden this car tears out of the parking lot and we were 100% certain there was a dead body behind the garages. So what did we do? We went out and looked of course. However, the grass was too tall to really see anything and it never occurred to either of us that we'd never actually seen a dead body and that was probably a good thing - nor did we consider what we would do if there actually was one back there. We ran back inside and camped out in the living room on the floor with our cell phones right next to us - we decided neither of us wanted to sleep by ourselves, and if someone wanted to kill us, the pathetic locks on our bedroom doors weren't going to keep them out anyway. And besides that, at least we'd die together. Obviously we survived and the next day when we went out to look again, there was no body. Though it was really late when all of this occurred and we do let our imaginations get the best of us sometimes, I am not sure if either one of us is now 100% there WASN'T a body back there. Who knows.

I realize that was kind of a tangent, but have you ever had a fun adventure like that? Probably not, but there are also many people more logical than I am - I usually just react to things immediately and don't give a lot of thought and I pretty much run purely on emotion. That's not to say I'm not logical, I just have a hard time controlling impulses A LOT. My theory is kind of like this: "Want, take, have." Very simple.

I think writing about this has made me feel better about the situation as a whole. I know change is good, and given my ADHD, change is necessary to keep my attention. I don't necessarily want things to be exactly like they were last summer because lets face it: there were some troubling, upsetting times as well, a lot of it was Adam-related (Bailie, you know I love you forever for everything you did that night), but there were so many good times too. I have never laughed, cried, played, drank, slept, or partied harder than I did last summer. Hopefully this one can top it, although I am not entirely sure I want it to. You just can't remake memories like that.

Plus side to all these changes of late: Teetz is going to be here this summer so I won't have to harass him every other day and rack up huge charges on my cell phone bill.

That's all for now, my rambling has completely ceased to make sense. Bottom line: I love all my friends dearly and do not know what I would do without them.

Days til Teetz is legal: 44

Adam

Adam called me yesterday from Mississippi. I was so happy just to hear his voice and hear him laugh, it was just such a relief. I hadn't been able to talk to him since his birthday, March 13th. It was completely unexpected and out of the blue, but he made my day and I told him as such. I told him all about formal and my dress and my hair, and I know these are things he doesn't necessarily care about because he's a guy but he listened, because he knows it mattered to me. Everything was like it used to be, and it put me at ease a little because I was worried he'd somehow be different having been gone for these past few months. His unit is going to California in a few days to run through everything they've learned these past few months and he will be home in the first part of June, probably around the 8th. June 8th can not come fast enough for me, but at the same time it will be here far too soon, because I know two weeks after that he will be overseas, in Iraq, where I won't even be able to talk to him on the phone. This scares me to death. But he was in a good mood and upbeat yesterday, teasing me and giving me shit like he usually does. I honestly do not know what I will do when he leaves - granted, he's been gone since January, but right now he is just a phone call away. Once he leaves...My lungs tighten and my stomach twists up in knots just thinking about it. I am so proud of him though, because I know he is far more courageous than I could ever hope to be. This is something he volunteered for, not something that was assigned to him. We both knew this day would come, but last summer when he told me he volunteered and he could go at any time, I guess deep down I always thought we would be lucky and this would never be something I'd have to deal with. The best thing I can do though is be strong, and not cry when I talk to him, because the last thing he needs when he's over there is to be worried about me when he's got to worry about himself and the others in his unit. On New Year's Eve Britt and I were getting ready to leave the party at his and Silas' apartment, he gave me the biggest hug and held my face in his hands and said, "I'm going to say 'I'll see you later' and you have to say it back to me, okay?" He had my face in his hands and was wiping away tears, and wouldn't let me go until I said it back to him. That was so hard because we don't know that. I know I'll see him before he goes to Iraq, but afterwards...That's what scares me so much. Then, after we left the party, Britt told me that Adam told her that she has to take care of me now because he won't be around to do it for a while. I've never had to say good-bye to a friend like this way before. Granted, people come and go in your life all the time, but there are just some friends few people are lucky to ever have: those who knows what you're thinking without you even saying a word. Adam is one of those friends and telling him good-bye, no matter for how long or short of a time, is going to be one of the most difficult things I will ever have to do.

"Come Home Soon"
SheDaisy

I put away the groceries
And I take my daily bread
I dream of your arms around me
As I tuck the kids in bed
I don't know what you're doin'
And I don't know where you are
But I look up at that great big sky
And I hope you're wishin' on that same bright star

I wonder, I pray

And I sleep alone
I cry alone
And it's so hard livin' here on my own
So please, come home soon

I know that we're together
Even though we're far apart
And I'll wear our lucky penny 'round my neck
Pressed to my heart

I wonder, I pray

I sleep alone
I cry alone
And it's so hard livin' here on my own
So please, come home soon

I still imagine your touch
It's beautiful missing something that much
But sometimes love needs a fighting chance
So I'll wait my turn until it's our turn to dance

I wonder, I pray

I sleep alone
I cry alone
Without you this house is not a home
So please, come home soon

I walk alone
I try alone
I'll wait for you, don't want to die alone
So please, come home soon

Come home soon
Come home soon

That's all I am asking for, that he comes home safe and sound.

Adventures in Ringtones

Okay, so last night Teetz and I were watching Doogie Howser on DVD, don't laugh, the show is actually quite hilariously inappropriate. If you watched the show when you were under the age of 10, which most of us did, chances are you didn't get any of the jokes, especially the ones made by Vinnie, because they were sick, perverted and/or mean. Wow. So anyway, after watching a second episode Teetz decides he needs the show's theme song as one of his ringtones. We spent a whole freaking hour on the Cingular website searching for songs! AN HOUR! However, I can not complain too much because a good majority of that time was actually devoted to me and finding me the perfect ring. There were several options, most of which Teetz shot down because he didn't want to be associated with that ring and have people look at him like he was a big freak (this would happen if 'Barbie Girl' started going off while he was walking across campus.) 'My Heart Will Go On', 'Whiskey Girl', 'Bless the Broken Road' (which is not even available as a ringtone, but if it was Teetz would not let me have it because he's mean. Also, I want this to be the first dance at my wedding, so it's probably a good thing it will not be cheapened by being on Teetz's phone) and a whole slew of other awesome songs were vetoed as well until our lame brains realized, HELLO! LOOK UP GAVIN DEGRAW! We did and thus, my new ring is 'Follow Through'. If you have not heard this song, and chances are you haven't because it is not on the radio, here it is for your viewing pleasure:

Oh, this is the start of something good
Don't you agree?
I haven't felt like this in so many moons
You know what I mean?
And we can build through this destruction
As we are standing on our feet

So since you want to be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
For you to stick around
I'll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through

These reeling emotions they just keep me alive
They keep me in tune
Oh, look what I‘m holding here in my fire
This is for you
Am I too obvious to preach it
You're so hypnotic on my heart

So since you want to be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
For you to stick around
I'll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through

The words you say to me are unlike anything
That's ever been said
And what you do to me is unlike anything
That's ever been
Am I too obvious to preach it
You're so hypnotic on my heart

So since you want to be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
For you to stick around
I'll see you everyday

So since you want to be with me
You'll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
For you to stick around
I'll see you everyday
But you have to follow through

You have to follow through
You're gonna have to follow

Oh, this is the start of something good
Don't you agree?

Simply amazing. I absolutely love Gavin DeGraw. And don't even get me started on Howie Day. LOVE HIM. Not just 'Collide' but most of his songs are just amazing. Teetz just about had an orgasm when he got 'Collide' as his ringtone. You should call him every single hour just so he can hear it. Also, another awesome Gavin DeGraw song is 'More Than Anyone' which I wanted, and of course anyone who knows me knows that 'She Will Be Loved' is still one of my favorite songs of all time and Adam Levine is simply beautiful.